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We have news! I have been sitting on this news for a long time. In fact, if Jeff had his way, we would have shared this news by now. I guess this time around, I’m just looking at everything so differently and in such a reserved manner. So as you read this, please do not feel offended or slighted that this news is coming to you now. I really wanted time to process everything. If you are unaware of why I am so reserved right now, feel free to read some of the older posts on this blog and you will see that we’ve had quite a rocky road in our adoption process thus far.

Our news is exciting though. Jeff and I have accepted the referral for a 9 month old boy. He is cute and according to his paperwork, looks very healthy. We call him “Baby T” or Jeff will occasionally call him “T-Rex”. Just two weeks ago, our agency began sending us weekly updates on him. We were waiting for these updates for a while. And now that they have begun, the updates are helping me attach to him as well as to attach to the fact that we are now going through our third adoption process in just 12 months.

Many of you know that Jeff is going to Uganda with Man Up. On his way back, he is stopping in Ethiopia to see “Baby T” and Jeff is over the moon about this. We also have a preliminary court date for Baby T set. We do not travel for this court date. However, if all goes well, we should have our court date in July.

We do not bring Baby T home during our first trip. After our court date, we will return home and wait to go through the embassy process. This can take anywhere from 6 weeks – 6 months. I’ve seen awesome scenarios and I’ve also seen horrible scenarios. Ideally I would like Baby T home before he turns one, but I see that to be next to impossible. So instead, I’m just focusing on getting him home.

We do thank all of you for your prayers this past year. Since we started the adoption process, we have had some great ups and some great downs but it was comforting to know that we had friends thinking and praying for us across the country through everything. To the two women that stopped me in church this past Sunday (Mother’s Day), I thank you for your kind words. It’s easy for non-moms and heartbroken moms to be forgotten on Mother’s Day and I appreciated your kind words and to know that I was on your hearts.

I would ask that you please keep us in your prayers now. We have major hurdles to cross still. Pray that paperwork moves quickly from our agency to government officials and vice versa. Pray that there are no mistakes with paperwork. Pray for Baby T that he would remain healthy and remain illness free. And pray for Jeff and I as we are going through a pile of paperwork that was placed on our laps today (it will require hundreds of dollars and countless forms, doctors appointments and signatures to be obtained) that has overwhelmed us to the core. Pray that we can persevere.

I will do my best to be more “present” on this blog keeping you all updated. It’s funny… I spend at least 60 hours a week blogging on Addicted to Saving and yet writing just one blog post here takes me months and months. I will do my best to keep you informed as we continue through this adoption process.

I posted this over on Addicted to Saving already, so excuse me for having it on the web twice. We haven’t updated this blog in a while, primarily because there hasn’t been any news. Just waiting.

I guess that’s why it’s appropriate that I blog about what Jeff and I will be doing this weekend. Hope you can come see us or help out in a way you best see fit.

The below blog post first appeared on Addicted to Saving.

I recently heard about the documentary, Stuck, from the people over at BothEndsBurning. Since my husband and I have experienced the heartache of the adoptive process first hand, we both feel like we have a social responsibility to let others know about this issue.

The average international adoption takes 896 days and $28,000 to complete, and Stuck was produced to bring awareness to these inevitable challenges that adoptive couples face. The Stuck Tour has recently launched and they will be visiting 60 cities in 80 days with the hopes of gathering 1 million signatures asking Congress/global leaders/President Obama to take specific actions to change the landscape of adoption. This petition will be hand carried to members of Congress in the Step Forward for Orphans March in Washington, D.C., on May 17.

Once you look into this issue yourself, if you agree with the mission of helping bring adoptive families together, then there are a couple of things you can do:

• Sign the Petition HERE. It will take you about 20 seconds to sign your name to this petition, but could make a lasting impact in bringing forever families together. **NOTE** When you sign the petition, you may get asked to sign another petition that you DO NOT agree with. This is because those entities have paid to have their petition appear and are in no way affiliated with the Stuck campaign.

• If you’re viewing this on your mobile phone, then text ORPHANS to 67463 and you will be taken directly to the BothEndsBurning site to sign the petition.

• Check out when and where the Stuck Tour will be in your area and plan to watch the movie. **FLORIDA FOLKS** Stuckwill be in the following locations this week:
  • Jacksonville: Tuesday, March 5th
  • Orlando: Wednesday, March 6th
  • Miami: Thursday, March 7th
  • Tampa: Saturday, March 9th
  • Tickets and full tour schedule may be purchased/viewed HERE.

• If you live in the Tampa area, hubby and I will be at the Tampa premier of Stuck helping out with the petitions! We would love to have you come by and say hello. Tickets are only $15 and the showing will be held at Muvico Centro Ybor 20.

• Volunteer like we did! Just head over to the VOLUNTEER page at BothEndsBurning and submit your information to help out with the Stuck Tour when they roll into your city.

I want to thank you in advance for all who have give us expressions of encouragement in our adoption process; I can’t repay you for your kindness. I would love it if you would join us in making some waves in Washington by Signing the Petition or checking out Stuck in your area. **NOTE** When you sign the petition, you may get asked to sign another petition that you DO NOT agree with. This is because those entities have paid to have their petition appear and are in no way affiliated with the Stuck campaign.

You can whet your appetite with the trailer below.

What is in a year? Obviously a year consists of 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes. It is interesting how although 8,760 hours seems like a long time, time actually flies by. I can honestly say that looking back this past year, I am overwhelmed with just how much we have accomplished and then at the same time, how little we have accomplished. It was just one of those years where I look back and just pray that God knows what He is doing.

We started our adoption blog as an attempt to draw awareness to the hundreds of thousands of orphans across the world. Along with that, we wanted to show you a real life picture of what adoption is like for adoptive parents. In some ways, I think we did a good job of showing the “reality” of adoption. In other ways, I think that we missed the boat on really highlighting and raising awareness on orphans. I guess that will be my New Year’s resolution for year 2013. (Although, I hate resolutions because I very seldom stick with them. )
Before recapping the year Jeff & I got to experience, I am SO excited because many of our dear friends have been able to experience the joys of adoption.

• J & J adopted and brought home the most adorable one year old from Ethiopia. Jeff and I are SO thankful for adoption – even though it hasn’t exactly “worked” for us yet – if it wasn’t for adoption, we might never have become friends with this awesome couple. I can honestly say that I forsee being in their life for as long as they let us.

• W & K were able to adopt a baby girl domestically. Their story of perseverance is amazing. Honestly, the fact that they continued pursuing adoption after all of their disappointments is such an encouragement to me.

• S & D were able to adopt a baby girl domestically. Yet another story of perseverance through all of life’s challenges. I was able to give them the name of the domestic agency we were using this summer. Their baby girl was born last week. Jeff reminded me last week that had we not used our domestic agency, they might not have been able to adopt this baby. An example of God’s goodness even through our disappointments.

• K& J are in the midst of adopting siblings from Ghana. We were honored to be able to go out to dinner with them the same day they received their referral. In the adoption world, receiving and accepting a referral is truly an amazing day. Jeff and I were so blessed by their excitement and we are praying for their adoption process to go through quickly and smoothly.

• M & S were able to bring a one year old boy home from Ethiopia. Honestly, this couple is yet another example of perseverance. They FOUGHT to bring their child home. We are so happy for them.

• D & N are in the midst of adopting a beautiful 10 year old girl from Ethiopia. It has been so fun to watch God work on their lives as He pointed them to the perfect match for their family.

• **UPDATE** I also remembered W & S, who brought home two beautiful babies from Ethiopia. After learning their story (we are not super close with them, but have got to know them over Facebook!), we see them as another example of perseverance and not quitting before the miracle of adoption happens.

And I am sure there are more stories that I am forgetting! But just from our circle of friends, we have watched 7 9 children/babies go from being orphans to adopted (or almost adopted) within the past year

For Jeff and I, obviously, you know that our personal adoption journey has had its fair share of difficulties thus far. To recap our year in a nutshell:

We started off 2012 already in the midst of adopting two children with America World Adoption Agency – one in Ethiopia & one in Haiti. The wait time to bring our children home is approximately 2 years for each agency.

In May 2012, we added a third adoption to our plans as a local mother chose us to adopt her baby girl once she was born in August.  We scrambled to begin fundraising. You might remember Jeff’s 60k in 60 days post. Somehow knowing that we would have to spend roughly $30,000 PER adoption was a bit overwhelming and pushed us to fundraise. Through fundraising, selling bracelets from Haiti, writing and obtaining grants, selling household items we didn’t use and a garage sale (we earned $2,500 at the garage sale alone!!) we were able to accrue a tiny bit over $14,000. Such an amazing blessing.

In June 2012, we started praying and researching about whether to go forward with our Haiti adoption due to the political unrest and international adoption changes going on in Haiti, and ultimately decided that because of things outside our control, it would not be wise to move forward.

In July 2012, as we were awaiting the birth of the baby girl, our birth mom ended up switching from our agency to a different agency. We were left heartbroken. I have two praises from this situation. First – the birth mom ended up placing the baby with the new couple. And secondly – Jeff and I were able to recoup $5,000 of the $6,000 from the new agency. This almost never happens. So Jeff and I were extremely thankful.

August 2012, Jeff also went on a mission trip to Ethiopia and Uganda and while there, we accepted a referral for a baby boy named Kiya in Ethiopia. This was with a different agency from Ethiopia. We now had two simultaneous Ethiopian adoptions going on with separate agencies. Because of all of the money we raised over the summer, we were able to wire $18,000 to the new agency needed to accept the referral of Kiya.

September 2012, Jeff and I were informed that Kiya died of an upper respiratory infection. Our lives were rocked and we were both devastated. You can read Jeff’s thoughts HERE and my thoughts HERE.

September – November… let’s just say, this fall/winter has been rough. I still believe and KNOW that God wants us to adopt. He has put the passion in our hearts to take in an orphan and I believe that someday, He will bless that passion. During these months, we took ourselves off of our new agencies’ waiting list giving ourselves time to process and get through all of the disappointments of this past year.

November – Jeff & I were able to hear Lauren Dungy speak (twice) as well as Tony Dungy speak. Their adoption stories are just downright inspiring. I was particularly blessed by my conversation with Lauren Dungy. She has experienced the ups and downs of adoption and it was refreshing to hear her tell Jeff and I that she has walked in our shoes.

December – we added ourselves back onto our new agencies’ waiting list. We have been told we are first in line for a referral so we are waiting.

So – we are in line and waiting to adopt Ethiopian children with two agencies. Our wait time with AWAA (the agency we signed up with over a year ago) is probably around 2 years still. We are now number 54 on the unofficial waiting list. Our wait time with our new agency is literally day to day. We are next in line to receive a referral. And so we wait.

Jeff and I wanted to thank all of you for your support this past year. We have felt your prayers. We have read all of your emails and cards.  We are also so thankful for all of the donations we have received from you. We have received donations from friends, family and complete strangers. And we are thankful for each and every penny. Because of you, we were able to accept the referral of Kiya this past September. We were literally given 24 hours’ notice to wire $18,000 to our adoption agency. We would not have been able to do this without your help. Even though Kiya passed away, the money will be applied to our new referral and there is a huge weight off of our shoulders to know that those funds are taken care of. From a financial standpoint, our adoption with AWAA and our adoption with our new agency will cost between $28,100 – $38,000 per agency per child.  (If you are curious to see the financial breakdown of Ethiopian adoptions, go HERE).  We have already submitted $16,500 towards our AWAA and $18,000 towards our new adoption. When I focus on the fact that there are still funds that Jeff and I will have to come up with, I get overwhelmed. But I know that God will provide and while I am overwhelmed, I am so grateful we have been able to pay over $34,500 towards our two adoptions thus far.

So, I can’t say that I have enjoyed this past year. But I have been so blessed by the kindness and support you all have shown us. I am also so happy for all of our friends who are in the midst of or have completed their adoptions.  There are seven less orphans in the world because of the obedience of our friends.

If you are feeling led to adopt or if you have questions regarding domestic adoptions or international adoptions, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment and Jeff and I will do our best to point you to resources that will help you in your journey.

(The picture above is I-75. This is what we saw for four hours as we drove from Tampa to Atlanta.)

Considering how much time has gone by since my last post, I knew that I had to update our blog to let you all know that we are alive and well.  A month has gone by since we learned that the baby boy we were adopting had died.  Time flies usually when you are having fun but also when you are in the midst of wondering how you are supposed to get through each day.

I wanted to thank all of our friends who have left such kind comments on our adoption blog, on our facebook pages, via email, through voice messages and via mail.  Your words have encouraged me.  I am such an introverted person that after I poured out my thoughts in my post about Kiya, I really didn’t have much left to say.  So, while I haven’t responded to any emails or to your comments, please know that your words have meant the world to me and have given me hope through some of the darkness.

What I have learned these past four months as we lost our domestic adoption and then lost our little Kiya is that our story is not unique.  While maybe many couples do not lose both an adoption to fraud and then a second adoption to death within four months like us, we are not the first couple to encounter such loss so dramatically.  And some of the stories you all have shared with me are even more devastating than ours.  If you are reading our adoption blog and in the midst of turmoil, I do want to encourage you and tell you that you are not alone.  Your thoughts, your situation, your loss, others have experienced it.  Grieve your situation and grieve your loss.  And know that others have walked a similar road to yours and have overcome it.

I have to admit that I have struggled with hope this past month.  Or should I say, the lack of hope.   I also struggle with figuring out what the heck God is trying to show us.  But I have seen that God has sustained us through this time.  Our marriage is still strong.   Our families are healthy.  We have a roof over our heads.  Every morning and night (at 6 am and 6 pm) we have two dogs and a cat who are super annoying hyper until we feed them.  We still have my frugal blog that needs to be attended to every. single. minute. of the day.  Life has to be continued and I’m thankful for that.

Jeff and I had an amazing 4 day reprieve of adoption talk earlier this month when we went to a blogging conference I had scheduled on the calendar for the past 10 months.  We went to Atlanta.  It was my bright idea to drive there to save money (you can see from the picture above that our drive was very relaxing – please note my sarcasm).   Despite the torrential rain that we drove through for about 4 of the 8 hours enroute to Atlanta, our trip was refreshing.  It was so refreshing that I realized on our drive back that not once did we talk about adoption while there.  Instead, we game planned about my blog Addicted to Saving and tried to figure out how to grow it and work smarter (smarter for us means less – 10 hour days, 6 days a week kills me).  My savings blog has grown entirely organically.  It started in 2009 and now here we are in 2012 and at the blogging conference we finally learned what SEO means and how it works.  So for Jeff & I, the conference was enlightening and so much fun.  We were a team tackling a challenge (learning what the heck everyone was talking about and why the heck we didn’t already know everything) and we came back from the conference exhausted and yet refreshed as we had new goals for ourselves and our business.

Within 36 hours of being back in town, our minds did go back to adoption thoughts and talks.  I guess the song that goes “back to life, back to reality, back to the hear and now yeah” is appropriate.

If you are reading this wondering whether we have “new” adoption news, we don’t.  And I’m okay with that.  There is a part of me that wants to get excited as we wait for our new referrals.  But there is another part of me that is so hesitant to pursue adoption that I wish I could just get my money back and run away to Italy, buy a piece of land, open a vineyard and figure out how to grow grapes suitable for fine wine.  Fight or flight I guess.  But I know deep down in my heart that God wants us to adopt. I know He wants EVERYONE to care for the orphans and the widows in some capacity.  And I know that in the end, His will will be done and we will have a house full of Ethiopian kiddos and I will be at my wit’s end trying to figure out how to run our company while at the same time chase my children around the house and throughout the neighborhood.  I look forward to that day.

We have about 1.5 – 2 years of waiting for our Ethiopian referral with our first agency.  And we have an undeterminded amount of time with our new agency (the agency we were adopting Kiya with).  We are also about to enter the really busy time of year for blogging (Black Friday and Cyber Monday are the two craziest days of the year for us) so I know that time will go fast from a work standpoint.

All in all though, we are okay. And please know that we are thankful for all of your kind words and encouragement.  And I’m hoping that next week, Jeff will blog a bit more about his time in Ethiopia and Uganda.  Because he saw some amazing things and met some amazing people.  And the stories need to be shared.

Earlier this week I wrote up a blog post to try to explain the emotions I’ve felt thus far since we received a referral for our sweet baby boy. I was going to try to explain how you can inexplicably fall so headfirst for a child and yet at the same time feel overwhelmed over things to do, forms to have notarized, court processes to prepare for, etc etc. I had Jeff proof read my post and I was going to post my thoughts this past Thursday or Friday.

Then life stopped.

Thursdays are usually a day when we receive new pictures of our sweet baby boy with his beautiful, big eyes and adorable smile. Last week I posted on my personal Facebook page, “My new favorite day of the week. Thursdays. We get new pictures of our adorable baby boy every Thursday. God is good.”

Two days ago, Thursday, September 13th, I stalked my email waiting for new pictures. If you are or have adopted internationally, you know that pictures get you through the waiting period between now and when you get to bring your child home. Well, this Thursday, the pictures never came. I went to Bible study at Panera. Still waiting for those pictures, and since Bible study was just about to start, I decided to be rude and check my emails on my phone. I had an email from the director of our agency waiting for me. I opened it and life stopped. I don’t remember much of what I did or said. I do remember not finishing the food that I was eating and I do remember going to the car to call Jeff. I don’t remember much more. I remember driving cautiously home and I remember bawling the whole way.

The email from our director did not include new pictures for us to print out and plaster on our refrigerator with all of our sweet baby’s other pictures. Instead, the email said that Kiya (the name of our baby boy) had passed away. He had died two days prior on September 11th. He had gotten very sick with an upper respiratory infection and he never recovered. Our boy was approximately 2 and a half months old. My brother said, “He never had a chance.” And you know what, living where he did with the medical accessibility the way it is there, he didn’t have a chance.

I still haven’t processed all of my emotions. I still question if this has really happened to us. Denial is a form of grief and it comes and goes right now. Within the past 2 months and 4 days, we had our domestic adoption fall through as our birth mother conned us and then we had our international adoption fall through because our child passed away. I can’t explain the highs and the lows we have experienced. I can’t explain the feeling of loss and of grief I feel right now.

I can say a few things though.

I would have given anything to have been there with him when he passed away. Anything. If I could have, I would have knowingly gone through the adoption and finished paying all of our fees just to be able to hold him while he passed. I don’t know how Ethiopian hospitals work. I don’t know if the nurses there are caring. I tell myself that he had a kind nurse who held him as he passed. But truthfully, I have no idea. I pray he passed knowing he was loved, he was accepted and that Jeff and I were willing to fight for him.

A friend of mine who has been through hell and back and then hell again, emailed me these words, “you be sure to grieve this child, as the loss of your first son. He will always be that. And someday in heaven you will see him and he will know you as his mother and you will know him as your son.” Her words brought comfort to me as I want to believe this. I want to know that this is true. I am praying for the faith that I will know this to be true.

I also feel somewhat ashamed of how I have spent my time the past couple of weeks. I’ve been focusing so much on the process of adoption and on the intricacies of passing court and clearing embassy, that I haven’t focused on our child. I assumed he would be there through these processes. And he isn’t. Now I am left with knowledge on international adoption and no child to adopt. I can’t explain how empty I feel.

I also find myself questioning God. I don’t know why He would have put this situation in our life. There are details to our Ethiopian adoption story that none of you know and that I will never publicly share. But for God to give us such an amazingly unique story that we were planning on someday sharing with little Kiya to then rip it away from us.. I don’t get it. I believe God is good. I believe God allows bad things to happen. I just can’t wrap my brain around why he would introduce Kiya to us and yet then take him away from us.

I have also seen why Jeff and I originally felt so passionate about International adoption. There are naysayers about international adoption. There are people who say you should only adopt in the states. There are people who say you should not adopt in Ethiopia. Through all of their negativity, the only ones that are hurt are the orphans. The orphans are overlooked and they are left alone. Children in third world countries DO NOT have a chance if they become sick. We have now seen this first hand. If Kiya was here in the states, there is a very low probability that he would have passed away. And that is why we felt passionate about International adoption.

I also feel some weird form of embarrassment. I am a very private person. And I feel embarrassed to have now publicly shown such excitement over two adoptions and to then also show such public forms of grief as both of them crumbled apart. And yet at the same time, I feel a bit empowered because we are showing you real life feelings and emotions. I’m not leaving much out for you all. If we just showed you the picture perfect moments of adoption, you wouldn’t see honesty.

Where does this leave us? I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about adoption and I don’t want to think about it. We still have to put in a call to our agency director. She has told us that we are their top priority. And yet, I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to think about the future. My future included Kiya and I can’t picture and don’t want to picture anything else right now. I also don’t want to set myself up for more heartache. Jeff told me last night that he doesn’t want me to give up hope. And yet, as I’m going through this grief, I don’t feel one ounce of hope for our future.  A few months ago, I overheard two mothers talking about when they planned to have their next child.  That is a luxury I don’t know that I will ever experience.

When we started this process of adoption, we knew that it would involve a roller coaster of emotions. We knew it would have a lot of ups and downs. But truthfully, thus far, adoption has caused much more heartache than I would have ever imagined. If I had known we would go through this, right now as I’m dealing with this grief, I don’t know that I can say I would have ventured into the world of adoption.

I do believe and trust that God knows exactly what He is doing. I also believe and know that Kiya is with God right now. And while I am so sad that we never had the opportunity to welcome him into our home and love on him, Kiya is actually in a place thousands of times better than he would have been with us. He is there with my dad (who I know is loving him to pieces) and my grandparents and with Jeff’s grandfathers. And I bet that he is there with some of his own biological relatives who have deceased. I know that Kiya is smiling that sweet smile right now with his amazingly beautiful eyes and that he isn’t experiencing any pain or feeling any feelings of abandonment as he is basking in God’s love. And in that knowledge, I actually feel God’s love for me.

If you are someone who prays, we would appreciate your prayers. We will of course continue to blog as our future unfolds.

Jeff in Uganda with three new friends he met at an orphanage

I know that it has been weeks and weeks since I’ve updated our adoption blog last.  So many of you blessed us with your prayers and kind words when our domestic adoption crumbled to pieces.  Jeff has been asking me to update our blog for at least the past month now, but truthfully, adoption has been like a four letter word for me.  For a couple of weeks, I didn’t want to talk about adoption and I didn’t want to think about adoption.  The loss of the August baby that we expected to bring home was a deep wound that took time for me to get past.  I’m still not fully past the ache.  But, like everything, time does wonders and with each day, I have been brought back to our ultimate desire of taking in an orphan who has no home and giving them a home just as God has adopted me into His family.

We have had lots going on this past month.

Prior to us deciding to go forward with our August baby, Jeff was planning on going on the Man Up Missions Trip.  It is a missions trip where mostly men (and a few women) go to Ethiopia and Uganda and work with local orphanages and churches.  The goal is to show children what positive male role models look like, show women what Godly men look like AND show men that they need to “man up” to their responsibilities.  Jeff was planning on going on this trip until we learned that our August baby was due on August 13th.  The Man Up trip was due to leave on August 13th.  Jeff decided to stay home and be here for the birth of our baby.  When the adoption fell through, I encouraged (strongly) him to go on the trip once more.  It took a lot of time and prayer before Jeff knew that going on the trip was what God wanted for him.  Within 2 weeks, Jeff had signed up again to go on the trip, gotten around inoculations for everything from Yellow Fever to Typhoid and boarded the plane.  August 13th, Jeff left for Ethiopia and just this past Saturday, he returned from Uganda.  He had an amazing trip.  I am so excited for everything he has encountered.  Jeff has journaled a ton and he will be posting pictures and stories from his trip.  He did come home saying two things 1) that he wanted to move to Ethiopia and 2) that he wanted to adopt 20 kids.  I don’t know if either of those desires are feasible.  But I do know that God has opened his eyes to the intense need in Africa. We knew intellectually about the need but for him to witness and experience everything first hand has been mind altering.  He will talk more about it soon.

We do have a huge update that we have been keeping under wraps for quite a while.  It is big news and we are so so excited.  And we would not have our big news if our August adoption had gone through.  We wouldn’t have our news if Jeff hadn’t gone on his trip to Ethiopia & Uganda.  God’s perfect timing has brought us to this place even as we have had to wade through waters of disappointment and despair.

To give a brief update on our current adoptions, we are working with America World (AWAA) and are in-line and will be adopting from Ethiopia in about 2 years.  We have decided not to pursue our Haiti adoption due to their unrest and uncertainty of future international adoptions.  (There is a great need in Haiti.  Haiti has hundreds of thousands of orphans.  But because they are in the midst of becoming a Hague nation, adoptions are in limbo.  Adoptions pending may go through or they may not.  Jeff and I decided we needed to be prudent with the money we have diligently saved the past few years as well as the money that so many people have graciously given us. Please know that I am not discouraging adopting from Haiti.  This is a personal choice for what is best for our family.)  We have also decided not to pursue domestic adoption.  When we originally decided to adopt in the spring of 2011, we felt called to adopt internationally.  That is where are hearts are.  We went off track a bit this summer and now that Jeff has returned from Ethiopia & Uganda, we know with certainty that for us, we are meant to adopt in Africa and specifically Ethiopia.  (Again, our decision not to adopt domestically is a personal choice.  We may pursue a domestic adoption again in the future or possibly fostering.  For now, however, our vision for adoption has narrowed and we are focusing entirely on Africa.  This is our personal choice and this is what God has shown us for our family.)

Which leads me to our news.  We have officially accepted a referral for a baby boy (yet to be named by us) in Ethiopia!  (I can’t give out his Ethiopian name but we will keep it as his middle name.)  He is 2 months old and he is by far the most adorable baby boy I have ever seen.  (I am allowed to say that since he is going to be OURS right?)  I have been scrambling like a mad woman to get a new dossier together to bring him home.  Our baby boy’s paperwork is entirely ready to go in Ethiopia so we need to be quick.  The sooner we get our paperwork together, the sooner he comes home.  We should have our paperwork done in about two weeks and then we wait for a court date.  Our agency is hoping for a court date as soon as late September or as late as November.  Nonetheless, it looks like we will be going to Ethiopia soon!  Once we pass court, we go home for about 6-8 weeks and we then go back a second time to bring him HOME.

I wanted to take a moment to really thank all of you for your prayers, comments and emails the past few months.  This has been such a difficult time for us and your support has meant the world to us.  I have not responded to all of you personally, but I have read each of your words and you have blessed me with them.  I never would have imagined that I would be writing about our adoption highs and lows on a blog where more than just close friends and family would be reading our words.  And I have to say that you have made me realize that my circle of friends is actually so much larger than I imagined.  Your words of encouragement gave me hope during some pretty dark days.  And I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to seek me out and encourage me.

We would continue to ask for prayers.  Please pray that our baby boy remains healthy and that his caregivers give him loving care during his time in the foster home.  Please also pray that there will be no paperwork issues that arise between now and our Court date.  Financially, because of all of the donations we had from friends, family and strangers and because of the money we had personally saved to put towards our adoption, we were able to wire a ginormous check for our baby boy.  That is a HUGE praise.  Please pray that we can raise the additional funds necessary to bring him home.

We will be updating Addicted to Adoption to fill you in on everything as time progresses.

A little over two months ago, our lives were rocked. We were told that a birth mother had chosen us to adopt her baby girl that was due August 13th. We had only looked into domestic adoption for about 7 days so we were shocked that everything could happen so quickly and smoothly. We thought that God had dropped this adoption into our laps.

Our lives changed almost immediately. We signed a contract. We paid for our birth mom’s living expenses. We started fundraising holding a two day garage sale and planning a silent-auction to prepare for the remaining fees that were due at our August baby’s birth (and to prepare for our two other pending international adoptions).

We tried to guard our hearts and not get excited. If you asked how I felt, I would say that I was “cautiously optimistic.”  Then we felt guilty for not being excited about our future baby girl. (Having babies should be exciting right?)  So slowly, we began preparing and opening our hearts to being parents in August. Jeff painted the nursery a shade of violet I picked out. With the guidance and help of an amazing friend, Jeff pulled up the flooring in the nursery as well as much of our home and put down new flooring so that our August baby would have a clean surface to learn to crawl and walk on. I stocked up on diapers. Countless diapers. We were given a rocker and glider. We struggled with assembling a jogging stroller.  We were given a crib. I went out on an emotional limb and bought two outfits for our August baby. Jeff took a daddy boot camp class at a local hospital. I cancelled a blogging business trip to New York City scheduled for the first week in August. Jeff cancelled his mid-August mission trip to Ethiopia. We met our birth mom a couple of times. We sat through her ultrasound. We had phone conversations with her. Jeff and I started looking at girl names and chose a few that we liked. We were cautiously optimistic and our hearts were getting excited.

This past Monday night, our lives were rocked again. We were about to head home from my in-law’s house in St Louis when I received a phone call from our adoption coordinator. The conversation ended with me shaking and in tears. I can honestly say that I don’t remember much of the conversation. The next day, Jeff and I spoke with our coordinator again and she went through everything again with us. I won’t go through all the details, but the prospect of adopting this girl whose ultrasound pictures are hung on our fridge is officially over. Our birth mom has moved on to another agency and has promised her baby girl to a new couple.

The airplane ride from St Louis to Tampa stunk. I watched families with newborns and toddlers at the airport. We saw adorable little girls who I think may have resembled what our August baby would have looked like. I was heart broken and Jeff was doing his best to be strong for me. Tuesday, Jeff started to deal with his emotions. I watched our emotions go from shock to sadness to feelings of being taken advantage of and then back to sadness again.

Through it all, I’ve made myself remember the reason Jeff and I wanted to adopt in the first place. We wanted to help orphans and we wanted to grow our family. I don’t really understand why God would place this adoption in our laps to just rip it away so quickly. But I have to have faith that down the road, He has a plan that is so much greater than the pain we feel now.

So with that, we are moving forward. We are a bit heart broken right now but I know God is carrying us through this. We are of course still excited about our Ethiopia adoption and we are waiting to see where our Haiti adoption takes us.

We have wondered what lessons we are supposed to learn from this disappointment. Prior to jumping headfirst into a domestic adoption, we thought we were meant to be advocates for the millions of orphans in the world around us. Now we wonder if we are meant to be advocates for adoptive families and the lack of legal protection for them. Who knows where our road will lead. I do know that we will not lose faith – even through the disappointing ache that is in our hearts right now.

If you know someone who is in the midst of adopting, whether it is domestically or internationally, I encourage you to be a strong support system for them. This is a winding road full of bumps and oftentimes disappointments. Encourage them and be there for them through the highs and the lows.

With that, I’m going to end my thoughts with a Bible verse that is really speaking to me right now:

 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “Our human body is wearing out. But our spirits are getting stronger every day. The little troubles we suffer now for a short time are making us ready for the great things God is going to give us forever. We do not look at the things that can be seen. We look at the things that cannot be seen. The things that can be seen will come to an end. But the things that cannot be seen will last forever. “